Barry S. Goldberg's

Lawyer Jokes Page

You Want Lawyer Jokes? We Got Lawyer Jokes!

Q & A form jokes

Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A doberman!

Q: Why does New Jersey have the highest amount of Toxic waste and
   California the highest amount of lawyers?
A: New Jersey had First Choice!

Q: What's the difference between a carp and a lawyer?
A: One's a scum-sucking bottom dweller, and the other's a fish.

Q: What do you call 20 lawyers buried up to their neck in the sand?
A: Not enough sand!

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer 
   in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.

Q:  Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A1: Take your foot off his head.
A2: Take his head out of the toilet.
A3: No.  Good!

Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand

Q: Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A: From chasing parked ambulances.

Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: In the cemetery

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A: A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigalo?
A: A gigalo only screws one person at a time.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A: Every day a rooster starts his day by clucking defiant...

Q: How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why shouldn't you swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.

Q: What do you get when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
A: Nothing, there are some things that even a pig won't do.

Q: What do you call 100 lawyers jumping out of an airplane?
A: Skeet!

Q: Why don't lawyers don't lay on the beach?
A: Because they are afraid a cat will come by and cover them up.

Q: Why do they bury lawyers 10 feet under instead of 6 feet under?
A: Because deep down they are really nice people.

Q: Why are leopards sometimes observed eating elephant dung?
A: To wash away the taste of a lawyer they just ate!

Q: How many lawyer jokes are going around the Web?
A: Three!  (All the rest are true!)

Longer jokes.

There was a young couple, very much in love, who the night before they 
were to be married, were both tragically killed in an automobile accident.  
They found themselves at the pearly gates of heaven being escorted in by 
St. Peter.  After a couple of weeks in heaven, the  prospective groom took 
St. Peter aside and said, "St. Peter, my fiance and I are very happy to be 
in heaven but we miss very much the opportunity to have celebrated our 
wedding vows.  Is it possible for people in heaven to get married?" 
St. Peter looked at him and said, "I'm sorry, I've never heard of anyone 
in heaven wanting to get married.  I'm afraid you'll have to talk to the 
Lord God Almighty about that.  I can get you an appointment for two weeks 
from Wednesday." 

Came the appointed day, the couple were escorted by the guardian angels 
into the presence of the Lord God Almighty, where they repeated the 
request. The Lord looked at them solemnly and said, "I tell you what, wait 
five years and if you still want to get married, come back and we will talk 
about it again."

Well, five years went by, and the couple still very much wanting to get  
married, came back.  Again the Lord God Almighty said, "Please you must  
wait another five years and then I will consider your request."

Finally, they come before the Lord God Almighty the third time, ten years 
after their first request, and ask the Lord again.  This time the Lord 
answered, "Yes, you may marry.  This Saturday at 2:00 p.m., we will have 
a beautiful ceremony in the main chapel.  The reception will be on  me!"

The wedding went beautifully, all the guests thought the bride was
beautiful.  Moses brought some flowers from the Nile River Delta and 
Gandhi came wearing his finest hand-woven sari.  But, you guessed it,  
the couple was married but a few weeks when they realized they had made a 
horrible mistake, they just couldn't stay married to one another. 

So they made another appointment to see the Lord God Almighty, this time 
to ask if they could get a divorce in heaven.  When the Lord heard their 
request, he looked at them and said, "Look, it took us ten years to find 
a priest up here in heaven. Do you have any idea how long it'll take to 
find a lawyer?"
A doctor, an engineer and a lawyer were discussing whose profession had
been around the longest.  Deciding to back up his position by resorting to 
theology, the doctor pointed out that God created Eve from one of Adam's
ribs.  This, he argued, was clearly a surgical procedure, which meant that
doctors had been around since the creation of man.  The engineer, not to be
outdone, pointed out that God created the entire earth out of chaos.  This,
the engineer exclaimed, was clearly the work of an engineer, proving that
engineers have been around since the creation of the earth.  "Well," said
the lawyer with a grin on his face, "obviously there were lawyers around
before that."  "What do you mean," asked the others.  Replied the lawyer,
"where do you think all the chaos came from in the first place?"
One day a blind baby rabbit and a blind baby snake bumped into each other.
"Hey, watch where you're going". "No, you watch where you're going". "I
can't, I'm blind". "Hey, me too. What are you?". "I don't know, what are
you?". "I don't know... How about we check each other out and see if we can
figure out what we are?". "OK, me first".  The snake comes over to the
rabbit and starts checking him out: "You're warm, and soft, and furry, and
you've got these long ears, and a nose that wiggles...I think you're a
rabbit!". "Yes!" the rabbit exclaims "I'm a rabbit, YEHHH !!". "Yes you must
be, now my turn, come check me out!!"  The rabbit then starts checking out
the snake: "'re cold, with beady little eyes and a
tongue that's going about 100 mph..." "Oh Crap!" exclaims the snake, "I must
be a lawyer!".
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"
The housewife replies: "Four!".
The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4.  Let me run
those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice,
"How much do you want it to be?"
A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner.
He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered
at this particular brain store.  So he asks the butcher: "How much for 
Engineer brain?"
  "3 dollars an ounce."
"How much for Doctor brain?"
  "4 dollars an ounce."
"How much for Lawyer brain?"
  "100 dollars an ounce."
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
  "Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a 
living.  "Tim, you be first," she said.  "What does your mother do all day?"
  Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful.  How about you, Amie?"
  Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher.  "What about your father, Billy?"
  Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano
in a whorehouse."
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.
Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell.  Billy's father
answered the door.  The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded
an explanation.
  Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney.  How can I explain a thing
like that to a seven-year-old?"
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.  To his dismay, there were 
thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter.  To his surprise,
St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the
lawyer was, and greeted him warmly.  Then St. Peter and one of his 
assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of 
the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.  The lawyer said, 
"I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed
your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
While on safari, a tourists noticed a leopard following a herd 
of elephants and eating large mouthfuls of their droppings.  The tourist 
inquired as to the reason for this strange behavior.  The resident 
naturalist explained that the leopard had just eaten a lawyer and was 
trying to get the taste out of his mouth.
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed 
to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to 
donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice. "Only a shilling
to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 more of them."
A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred it to
Diogenes, who gave it in favor of the lawyer as follows: 
"Let the thief go first, and the executioner follow."
"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had
solved her legal troubles.
"My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented money
there has been only one answer to that question."
The Pope and a lawyer find themselves together before the Pearly Gates. 
After a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their respective
professions, ol' St. Peter shows up to usher them to their new Heavenly 
station. After passing out wings, harps, halos and such, St. Pete decides 
to show them to their new lodgings. Only a brief flight from the welcome,
Pete brings them down on the front lawn (cloud-encrusted, naturally) of a 
huge palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings. This, Pete 
announces, is where the lawyer will be spending eternity, (at least until 
the end of time...) "Hot Dang", the Pope says to Him-self, "If he's getting
a place like this, I can hardly wait to see my digs!". They take flight
once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape below begins to appear
more and more mundane until they finally land on a street lined with 
Brownstone houses. Pete indicates the third walkup on the left as the
Pope's new domicile and turns to leave, wishing the pontiff his best. 
The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries out "Hey Pete! What's the 
deal here? You put that lawyer-feller in a beautiful estate home and I,
spiritual leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive?" Pete looks at the 
pontiff amusedly and replies: "Look here old fellow, this street is 
practically encrusted with spiritual leaders from many times and religions. 
We're putting you here with them so you guys can get your dogma together.
That other guy gets an estate, because he's the first (non-)damned lawyer
to make it up here!!"
Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial,
the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who 
had presided at the hearing. "Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a 
warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine." "Why ?" asked the judge. "He won 
your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for?" "Well, your 
honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he 
went and took the car I stole."
"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of 
your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. "If I 
wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.
A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the 
defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the 
influence, demanded a jury trial.  It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting a jury 
would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall 
looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty.  He found a dozen lawyers
in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought 
this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the 
courtroom.  The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear 
that the defendant was guilty.  The jury went into the jury-room, the judge 
started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited.  After nearly three 
hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into 
the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict. When the bailiff 
returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a verdict yet?" The bailiff 
shook his head and said, "Verdict?  Hell, they're still doing nominating 
speeches for the foreman's position!"
Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?" someone asked.
 "Not too bad", said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's 
grandmother.  On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little
girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?" 
"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone.  After he had made his 
selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it. 
"Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.  "Sorry, but 
I can't do that," replied the stonecutter.  "In this state, it's against 
the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put ``here 
lies an honest lawyer''."  "But that won't let people know who it is" 
protested the lawyer. "Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter.  
"People will read it and exclaim, "That's Strange!"
The defendant who pleads their own case has a fool for a client, but at 
least there will be no problem with fee-splitting.
These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air balloon to cross the
Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says "Harry, we better 
lose some altitude so we can see where we are". Harry lets out some of the 
hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover.  
George says, "I still can't tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the 
ground".  So Harry yells down to the man "Hey, could you tell us where we 
are?". And the man on the ground yells back "You're in a balloon, 100 feet 
up in the air".  George turns to Harry and says "That man must be a lawyer".
And Harry says "How can you tell?".  George says "Because the advice he 
gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless".

[That's the end of the Joke, but for you people who are still worried about 
George and Harry: They end up in the drink, and make the front page of the
New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer".]
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at 
this country inn.  The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the 
innkeeper's daughter.  Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged 
his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short.  There sat his 
lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you 
learned you were pregnant?" he cried.  "I would have rushed up here, we 
could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"  "Well," she 
said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night 
talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in 
the family than a lawyer."
God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once 
and for all. When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you 
think you're going to find a lawyer?"
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking 
down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar 
bill.  Who gets it?  The old drunk, of course, the other three are 
only fictional characters.
The National Institute of Health (NIH) announced last week that they were 
going to start using lawyers instead of rats in their experiments. 
Naturally, the American Bar Association was outraged, and filed suit, but 
the NIH presented some very good reasons for the switch. 1)  The lab 
assistants were becoming very attached to their little rats.  This 
emotional involvement was interfering with the research being conducted.  
No such attachment could form for a lawyer. 2) Lawyers breed faster. 
3) Lawyers are much cheaper to care for and the humanitarian societies
won't jump all over you no matter what you're studying. 4) There are some 
things even a rat won't do. However, sometimes it very hard to extrapolate
our test results to human beings.
A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, 
to which he retreated for several weeks of the year.  Each summer, the 
lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no, that's not the punch 
line) to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a
backwoods section of Maine. On one particular occasion, he invited a 
Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him.  The friend, eager to get a 
freebee off a lawyer, agreed. Well, they had a splendid time in the country
- rising early and living in the great outdoors. Early one morning, the 
lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their
morning breakfast.  As they went around the berry patch, gathering 
blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge 
Bears - a male and a female. Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, 
immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the 
male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran back to his 
Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods 
sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch
with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there. "He's in THAT
one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from 
his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend. The
sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, 
took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE. "Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the 
lawyer, "I said he was in the other!" "Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and 
would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?"
It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the 
emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony.  Doctor Green 
came over to see him. "Dobbins," he said, "What an honor. The last time I 
saw you was in court when you accused me of malpractice." "Doc. Doc. My 
side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could it be?" "How would I 
know? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a doctor." "I was only kidding, 
Doc. When you represent a client you don't know what you're saying. Could I 
be passing a kidney stone?" "Your diagnosis is as good as mine." "What are 
you talking about?" "When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you 
knew everything there was to know about the practice of medicine." "Doc, 
I'm climbing the wall. Give me something." "Let's say I give you something 
for a kidney stone and it turns out to be a gallstone. Who is going to pay 
for my court costs?" "I'll sign a paper that I won't sue." "Can I read to 
you from the transcript of the trial? Lawyer Dobbins: 'Why were you so sure 
that my client had tennis elbow?' Dr.Green: 'I've treated hundreds of people
with tennis elbow and I know it when I see it.' Dobbins: 'It never occurred 
to you my client could have an Excedrin headache?' Green: 'No, there were 
no signs of an Excedrin headache.' Dobbins: 'You and your ilk make me sick.'"
"Why are you reading that to me?" "Because, Dobbins, since the trial I've 
lost confidence in making a diagnosis. A lady cane in the other day 
limping ..." "Please, Doc, I don't want to hear it now. Give me some 
Demerol." "You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a drunken 
sailor. I've changed my ways, Dobbins. I don't prescribe drugs anymore." 
"Then get me another doctor." "There are no other doctors on duty. The 
reason I'm here is that after the malpractice suit the sheriff seized 
everything in my office. This is the only place that I can practice." 
"If you give me something to relieve the pain I will personally appeal your 
case to a higher court." "You know, Dobbins, I was sure that you were a 
prime candidate for a kidney stone." "You can't tell a man is a candidate 
for a kidney stone just by looking at him." "That's what you think, 
Dobbins. You had so much acid in you when you addressed the jury I knew some 
of it eventually had to crystallize into stones. Remember on the third day 
when you called me the 'Butcher of Operating Room 6'? That afternoon I said 
to my wife, "That man is going to be in a lot of pain.' " "Okay, Doc, 
you've had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have my ounce of Demerol?" 
"I better check you out first." "Don't check me out, just give the dope."
"But in court the first question you asked me was if I had examined the 
patient completely.  It would be negligent of me if I didn't do it now.  
Do you mind getting up on the scale?" "What for?" "To find out your height. 
I have to be prepared in case I get sued and the lawyer asks me if I knew 
how tall you were." "I'm not going to sue you." "You say that now. But how 
can I be sure you won't file a writ after you pass the kidney stone?"
A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train. The Russian 
takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, 
drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere
in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in The 
Ukraine. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..." 
Saying that, he open the window and throw the rest of the bottle through
it. All the others are quite impressed. The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, 
takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we 
have the best cigars of the world: Havanas, nowhere in the world there is 
so many and so good cigars and we have so much of them, that we can just 
throw them away...". Saying that, he throws the pack of havanas through 
the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed. At this time, 
the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the Lawyer 
through it...
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and 
steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running
unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand
payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"  The lawyer answers, 
"Absolutely." "Then you owe me $8.50.  Your dog was loose and stole a roast 
from me today." The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for 
$8.50 [attorneys don't carry cash -- it's too plebeian -- and the butcher 
hadn't brought the shop's credit card imprinter to the lawyer's office]. 
Several periods of time later -- it could be the next day but that would be 
unrealistic -- the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the 
lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.
A Rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer were driving late at night in the country when
their car expired. They set out to find help, and came to a farmhouse. When
they knocked at the door, the farmer explained that he had only two beds, 
and one of the three had to sleep in the barn with the animals. The three 
quickly agreed. The Rabbi said he would sleep in the barn and let the other 
two have the beds. Ten minutes after the Rabbi left, there was a knock on 
the bedroom door. The Rabbi entered exclaiming "I can't sleep in the barn; 
there is a pig in there. It's against my religion to sleep in the same room
with a pig!" The Hindu said HE would sleep in the barn, as he had no 
religious problem with pigs.  However, about five minutes later, the Hindu 
burst through the bedroom door saying "There's a COW in the barn! I can't 
sleep in the same room as a cow! It's against my religion!" The lawyer, 
anxious to get to sleep, said he'd go to the barn, as he had no problem 
sleeping with animals. In two minutes, the bedroom door burst open and the 
pig and the cow entered...
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save 
one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
By the way, 4 out of 5 doctors say that if they were stranded on a deserted
island with no lawyers, they wouldn't need ANY aspirin.
The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his 
    1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they
       were guilty.
    2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high.
    3) Overcharging fees to many clients.
    4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a
       controversial case. 

And the list goes on for quite a while.

The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case.  He admits all these 
things, but argues, "Wait, I've done some charity in my life also."  
St. Peter looks in his book and says,"Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to 
a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, 
correct?" The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, "Yes." 
St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, "Give this guy 15 cents 
and tell him to go to hell."
When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he means 
is that after he bills you it's financially hard to get back on your feet.
It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own 
A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you 
serve lawyers here?". "Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said the 
man.  "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."
A chiropractor is standing in line at the bank.  He notices that the
shoulders of the man standing in front of him in line are severely 
misaligned.  After a while, the chiropractor just cannot bear to see such 
disocated shoulders, so he grabs the man's shoulders, thrusts his knee into 
the man's spine and pulls the man's shoulders into perfect alignment.

The man turns around and yells "What are you trying to do?"

The chiropractor answers "I'm a chiropractor and I just cannot bear to 
see a person's shoulder's as out of line as yours were!  But now they are 
in perfect alignment!"

"Listen," said the man in front of the chiropractor, "why don't you mind 
your own business and keep your hands to yourself?  I'm a lawyer and you 
don't see me screwing the people ahead of me in line!!"

And, of course ...

Q:How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A0: How many can you afford?
A1: Three --  one to do it and two to sue him for malpractice.
A2: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb.
A3: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're 
    looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
A4: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the 
    party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and 
    forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part 
    (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of 
    failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, 
    elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the 
    front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just 
    inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the 
    carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of 
    the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned 
    agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction 
    shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps: 

    1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without 
        elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or 
        any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part 
        (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) 
        in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable.
    2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light 
        Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part 
        ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the
        option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in 
        a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal 
    3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the 
        first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation
        of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb").  This 
        installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of 
        the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, 
        being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise 
        direction, this point also being non-negotiable.

   NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the 
   party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by 
   him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the 
   party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership."


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